Well, here goes nothing.
Oh 2012, how you have come and gone! You have given me many bad days, but it certainly wasn't anything I couldn't handle, though I did give in and fall some days, I made it through.
I do need to say first and foremost, that I am a great mother. What I am about to so cautiously blog about is a problem I have been having and just would like it to be known, though it was hard, I was able to fight this problem while my son was with me.
It started about a year ago. Having a hard time with my weight, feeling lonely here in CT and missing family and friends in NY, relationship problems, etc. What really gave it a kick was when I almost lost my Dad to the same thing. At this time, Ethan was on his way to be with his Dad so I could be with mine if it came to that time.
It started with just a few beers, to a few more, leading into a 30 pack in a day and a half. Eventually it led into the little 100 proof nip bottles, even at 9 in the morning! (Never while my child was here) I think I had enough strength in me to know what I kept doing to myself is wrong enough that I had to wait until he was no longer with me.
I haven't had a drink since before Christmas and my jeebus is it hard! Every little things that scares you, makes you cry, makes you laugh, makes you think to hard...
Well, it all makes you want to celebrate or try to numb the pain of passing out after doing 12 nips in two hours.
I am trying to muster up the courage to take the steps I need to get my ass in an AA meeting. I know there's nothing to be ashamed of and that it's ok to ask for help, but me? Really? Jessica RS ask for help?
I tried so hard to stay away from what I knew had a high chance of happening to me as it did to my father and other members of my family. I was a good kid most times, did my homework, never drank or partied in high school, never tried to make people like me, I just focused on me, my grades and getting my ass out of that town to do something better with myself, then just becomming like most others are now.
An alcoholic. Yes! I said it, even out loud and I type. It's been since December 20, 2012 since I have had a drink and noticed, most times, it has been easier. I know I have a son to take care of and making my best effort to be a great mother to him makes me a stronger person.
I just only hope people understand this all and me, to know me well enough that I am not a bad parent nor a horrible person. I'm just a person with an addiction, struggling, but doing pretty damn good!
JRS
Monday, January 28, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Always Learning
Starting with a blank page, new spot…anything is possible!
See when you’re born, you know nothing. You don’t see; don’t even know you have hands, feet, even a heart. As you grow, you learn about movement, how to eat, how to sleep; but what is never, or really can’t be, taught to you is how to feel.
You just start feeling, beginning with happiness seeing your parents faces, their kisses and cuddles and even a full belly. No one ever tells you how hard life will be, no matter the money you do or don’t have, the friends, the connections, the education.
It’s not getting a job, that new pair of shoes or awesome technological crap, you worry about. It’s eventually finding someone who makes you feel whole, who guides you, listens, cries with you; someone who makes you always feel you have a reason and a purpose.
See, some of us get lost. Addiction, anger, pain, tears, careers, anything, at times, gets in the way of our sight. We can see the road in front of us, but fear taking it. Possibilities of rejections, completion, love, sadness, rage, laughter; it’s all a scary little story we tell ourselves so we don’t take those chances, we don’t jump into that water and try to swim, we don’t drive that car, we don’t love that person, hell, maybe we don’t even have that friend or try that awesome spice filled, kick ass dish your drool over on TV.
Although, when we reach a certain age, we officially become an adult. Getting a job or career, a new or used car, a house or apartment, college or no college; we are all constantly still learning, suffering through the what if’s, through feeling programed to be what society or other “loved”ones want us to be. We never take the time to breathe, step back and realized, “I’m a fucking adult! I have responsibilities, but I am still learning; I CAN DO THIS”!
See we all try so hard to please this human or otherwise, we don’t spend the time to think of ourselves. Taking care of ourselves to be loved, hugged, laughed with, and kissed! We are not a new born, toddlers or teenagers. We are adults, still learning how to breathe through many times and points of our lives, learning to still see that road and try to make it over those bumps because, well, we are still trying to grasp onto what may be real and what may not be real, that we scare ourselves out of actually living!
Everyone is different in all their own unique ways, some less understanding then others, but maybe if we take the time to listen, to feel and hear others, we would all be a little happier. Everyone has a good heart, everyone is kind, sometimes some of us, well, are just blind or in other words, just don’t see that road yet, that path that some may call redemption, but I like to call fun filled laughter, candy canes, a beer, good food, tears and happiness! No one has a road or path that is perfect, we all lay down the stones our own way, on our own time, but, we just need to learn on our own how to.
(My page is filled, with insightful words, maybe sightless meaning, but my heart is happy and there’s a smile on my damn face!)
Written by: JRS
*Please do not copy, respect others art in whatever form it may be*
You may also follow me on TUMBLR
See when you’re born, you know nothing. You don’t see; don’t even know you have hands, feet, even a heart. As you grow, you learn about movement, how to eat, how to sleep; but what is never, or really can’t be, taught to you is how to feel.
You just start feeling, beginning with happiness seeing your parents faces, their kisses and cuddles and even a full belly. No one ever tells you how hard life will be, no matter the money you do or don’t have, the friends, the connections, the education.
It’s not getting a job, that new pair of shoes or awesome technological crap, you worry about. It’s eventually finding someone who makes you feel whole, who guides you, listens, cries with you; someone who makes you always feel you have a reason and a purpose.
See, some of us get lost. Addiction, anger, pain, tears, careers, anything, at times, gets in the way of our sight. We can see the road in front of us, but fear taking it. Possibilities of rejections, completion, love, sadness, rage, laughter; it’s all a scary little story we tell ourselves so we don’t take those chances, we don’t jump into that water and try to swim, we don’t drive that car, we don’t love that person, hell, maybe we don’t even have that friend or try that awesome spice filled, kick ass dish your drool over on TV.
Although, when we reach a certain age, we officially become an adult. Getting a job or career, a new or used car, a house or apartment, college or no college; we are all constantly still learning, suffering through the what if’s, through feeling programed to be what society or other “loved”ones want us to be. We never take the time to breathe, step back and realized, “I’m a fucking adult! I have responsibilities, but I am still learning; I CAN DO THIS”!
See we all try so hard to please this human or otherwise, we don’t spend the time to think of ourselves. Taking care of ourselves to be loved, hugged, laughed with, and kissed! We are not a new born, toddlers or teenagers. We are adults, still learning how to breathe through many times and points of our lives, learning to still see that road and try to make it over those bumps because, well, we are still trying to grasp onto what may be real and what may not be real, that we scare ourselves out of actually living!
Everyone is different in all their own unique ways, some less understanding then others, but maybe if we take the time to listen, to feel and hear others, we would all be a little happier. Everyone has a good heart, everyone is kind, sometimes some of us, well, are just blind or in other words, just don’t see that road yet, that path that some may call redemption, but I like to call fun filled laughter, candy canes, a beer, good food, tears and happiness! No one has a road or path that is perfect, we all lay down the stones our own way, on our own time, but, we just need to learn on our own how to.
(My page is filled, with insightful words, maybe sightless meaning, but my heart is happy and there’s a smile on my damn face!)
Written by: JRS
*Please do not copy, respect others art in whatever form it may be*
You may also follow me on TUMBLR
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