Sobriety

Well, here goes nothing.

Oh 2012, how you have come and gone! You have given me many bad days, but it certainly wasn't anything I couldn't handle, though I did give in and fall some days, I made it through.

I do need to say first and foremost, that I am a great mother. What I am about to so cautiously blog about is a problem I have been having and just would like it to be known, though it was hard, I was able to fight this problem while my son was with me.

It started about a year ago. Having a hard time with my weight, feeling lonely here in CT and missing family and friends in NY, relationship problems, etc. What really gave it a kick was when I almost lost my Dad to the same thing. At this time, Ethan was on his way to be with his Dad so I could be with mine if it came to that time.

It started with just a few beers, to a  few more, leading into a 30 pack in a day and a half. Eventually it led into the little 100 proof nip bottles, even at 9 in the morning! (Never while my child was here) I think I had enough strength in me to know what I kept doing to myself is wrong enough that I had to wait until he was no longer with me.

I haven't had a drink since before Christmas and my jeebus is it hard! Every little things that scares you, makes you cry, makes you laugh, makes you think to hard...
Well, it all makes you want to celebrate or try to numb the pain of passing out after doing 12 nips in two hours.

I am trying to muster up the courage to take the steps I need to get my ass in an AA meeting. I know there's nothing to be ashamed of and that it's ok to ask for help, but me? Really? Jessica RS ask for help?

I tried so hard to stay away from what I knew had a high chance of happening to me as it did to my father and other members of my family. I was a good kid most times, did my homework, never drank or partied in high school, never tried to make people like me, I just focused on me, my grades and getting my ass out of that town to do something better with myself, then just becomming like most others are now.

An alcoholic. Yes! I said it, even out loud and I type. It's been since December 20, 2012 since I have had a drink and noticed, most times, it has been easier. I know I have a son to take care of and making my best effort to be a great mother to him makes me a stronger person.

I just only hope people understand this all and me, to know me well enough that I am not a bad parent nor a horrible person. I'm just a person with an addiction, struggling, but doing pretty damn good!

JRS